ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 03JUNE08

Pissing Off the Hell Out of Myself by Reading 'Business Week'

So then I says, "I don't care if it's a doughnut with wings, if it takes us to Philadelphia, I'm there.  Well, if it really was a doughnut with wings, I'd probably be pissed, or at least annoyed.  But also, amazed."

Then she says, "Well, at least you won't have any hair to blow around."

  But I digress.

So I was sitting there, all relaxed and stuff, and I noticed a copy of BusinessWeek (the May 26th issue, to be precise) sitting on the table.  So I picks it up and proceed to piss off the Hell out of myself for about two hours.  Since misery loves company, I'd like to share some nuggets with you, suckers...

ITEM NUMBER ONE: Everyone has bought everyone else.  I kid you not.

ITEM NUMBER TWO: The Sopranos and other shows will soon be on an iPod near you.  For a price, of course.  But who in the hell wants to watch anything on a 2 inch square screen?  Ants, that's who.  Both real and metaphoric.

ITEM NUMBER THREE: Everyone has sued everyone else.  Please don't take my lawsuit against you for reading this personally, it's just good business.  Seriously though, pay up.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR: You can't trust a damned doctor anymore...in many cases a doctor writing an article touting this drug or that procedure has some financial stake in, or backing from, that drug or procedure's sponsors.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE: Why didn't I become a doctor, dammit?  Oh, yeah, med school...

ITEM NUMBER SIX: Credit card companies are still total dicks.  Faced with bills in Congress which threaten to make them stop being total dicks (such as jacking up the interest on crap you already bought at the lower rate ) , Credit was quoted as saying, "You're going to cut my shady-assed profits?  We're going to need more government subsidies, and we've already figured out different ways to fuck our customers.  Please stop trying to regulate our insane and insatiable pursuit of all the money in the world.  One more word about 'reform' or 'reasonable practices', and we'll goose your mortgage payment to match the G.N.P. of Brazil."

ITEM NUMBER SEVEN: The cats at General Motors have continually failed to make the simplest connection to save their miserable hides.  A short list of things you'd think they'd have figgered out on their own can be found below. 

The VOLT, GM claims, will get 100 m.p.h.  O.K., then I offer $100 dollars to GM's CEO, G. Richard (obvious pun not inserted here) Wagoner Jr. to do it.  Not a bet that you can, but just a hundred bucks when that 100 m.p.g. baby hits the mass market, not just when Trump's kid can buy one.  If you're still the CEO then, ring me up, and I'll hand you that Benjamin personally.  I'll catch a ride on one of the flying pigs that should be prevalent at that time.

ITEM NUMBER EIGHT: Stupid punk kids in business school want to eat my lunch.  I hope they like Ramen and tuna sandwiches.

ITEM NUMBER NINE: Best Buy is working hard to cater to local niche customers and trying all sorts of innovative ways to drum up business.  Too bad they're too stupid to keep the damn good customers they already had.  See my open letter to them and Circuit City below.

  I'd like to go on, but I only made it halfway through before I realized I was reading BusinessWeek.  Then I punched myself in the face and ate a piece of Domino's Pizza, which made me projectile vomit, as usual.  After deciding that was punishment enough, I pulled out my iPod to watch some teeny weeny iPorn.  Long live disposable income!

An Open Letter to Best Buy and Circuit City

  Dear Brad Anderson (CEO of Best Buy) and Philip J. Schoonover (CEO of Circuit City);

  On or about January of this year I went out to spend my hard earned lettuce on yet another laptop.  Up to that day, I had made all my significant computer and electronics purchases from Best Buy.  Usually this entailed me walking in, snagging a saleslad and saying, "bring me out this computer, this printer, and this thing, too."  See, I'm easy like that.  I already know exactly what I want, and I know you carry it.  I don't need anything but for someone to bring it out and someone to take my money.  Easiest sale you ever wanted, and I usually scoop up a CD or two and other gizmos for good measure.

  This method served me well through an HP desktop, at least five printers, an HP laptop, a TV, a VCR or three, CD players galore, DVD players (2 or 3)uncounted (but at least 100) CDs and DVDs, mice, cables, etc.  I have spent no less than $7000.00 at Best Buy over just the last four or five years.  I have never asked for anything from Best Buy other than 'sell it to me'.

  'Natch, I headed off to the Best Buy on Morse Road (look it up, I ain't a tour guide), walked in, went straight to the computers, and spoke to the Blue-shirted gent who was otherwise unoccupied.

 "Kindly fetch me this laptop and this printer, and this thing too," I says, pointing to the circular in my hand, a hand ready to plunk down over a grand for these items.  After some milling around and tapping at keyboards, he comes over and says, "Sorry, we don't have that one, but the one up near Polaris does."

"Great," says me, "Have them hold it for me and I'll be off."

"We don't hold things."

"But it's thirty minutes away.  I am going straight there from here.  Surely my good man, they can hold it for thirty minutes?"

"'Fraid not."

  So, with all dispatch I leap to action, running over two deer and an old lady carrying a baby, and nearly put a junior varsity lacrosse team's van into the wall on my way, but shaving at least 47 seconds off my time in the process.  Turns out, Brad, you wish I woulda nailed the basket-on-a-stick-boys, because I was about a minute late.  And that cost you my business.  That and an unrelentingly dense Manager, but more on that later.

  When I got there, I strode directly to the laptop display, stood directly over the computer I wanted, and tried to look like a dude who couldn't wait to spend money.  Three or four minutes of nothing proceeded to happen.  Then a Blus shirt with two suckers in tow came along and gently nudged me aside to show these 'men' my computer.  At this point, I fixed my gaze on the salesman and patiently watched for my opening.  Sure enough, the two sissy boy customers stepped away from the Blue shirt to call their mommy and ask if they could pretty please buy a computer.  The moment this occurred, I stepped immediately between the salesguy and the sissies, and said, "While Wally and the Beav call their mom, could you bring me this computer, this printer, and this other thing too?"

"Just a moment sir."

"Can you not see I wish to spend my money on these things, and that new Public Enemy disc, RIGHT NOW?"

"Hmmm...," he says, "but they were here first."

 "Quite," says me, "But I drove here from the Morse Road store because you have the computer I want.  And I want it."

Needless to say, when the kept men walked away with the computer I came for, it was the last one.

So now I'm a bit miffed,  but I keep my cool and say, "Alright, you sold what I came for, but I'd be willing to take this slightly different one that's $80 bucks more, if you'll knock a couple of bucks off.  No worries."

"Can't"

Instead of giving him five across the face for his insolence, I said, "Run and fetch me a manager."

Off he trots, and brings back Miss Molly Cantdothat*

"Yes, hello," I begin, "I'm about to pass about twelve hundred dollars from my hand to yours, and I will not be able to get the thing I originally wanted because this lad sold it to a pair of pantyhose wearing boys.  I am willing to forgive his foolish move if you will but knock twenty bucks off this laptop here.

"Can't."

"Well, seeing as how I've spent a lot of money here in the past, blah blah blah, and I'm buying an upgrade printer, and peripherals, blah, blah, blah, how about transferring my files for free?"

"Can't."

As I imagined myself kicking her as hard as I could in the shin, I clenched my teeth and said, "Alright, how 'bout you at least give me this measly CD I want, as a token of going to the absolute minimum effort to at least not insult me."

"'Fraid not."

"So you don't care if I walk my money-spending ass right out the door.  Over giving me a CD for a massive purchase and my soon to be nonexistent loyalty?"

"Nope."

So out the door I went. 

Money Best Buy made off me that day: $0.00. 

As I was driving home, thinking about how many pedestrians I'd have to mow down to make me feel better, I spied the Circuit City which is always right down the road from a Best Buy.  "Why not ?" I says to meself.  I had no idea what they would have, but I was right there.

  Guess what?  A black-shirted adolescent walked right up to me and said, "What can I do for you today?"

Hmmm...might as well give it a whirl..."Do you have this laptop, this printer, and this other thing too?"

"Why, I'd be happy to get that for you toot sweet, and I humbly apologize for the minute and thirty-two seconds you'll have to wait."  And he runs off to where my soon-to-be-mine stuff is.  He also swiftly guided me to exactly the kind of mouse I wanted, but didn't know existed, and the Wu Tang Clan CD I reviewed awhile back.  The laptop was exactly the same as the one I originally went to Best Buy for, the very one I'm writing this here letter on.  It was $20 bucks cheaper than Best Buy wanted, and they knocked $10 bucks of the printer I upgraded to without me even asking.  And I was gonna buy that printer anyway.  And that kid talked me into the best mouse I ever had (a Logitech).  Good looking out, kid.

Money Circuit City made that day: over $1,200.00.

  Now it can be argued that Circuit City did nothing special for me.  But I don't usually look for 'special' treatment.  I just want to get what I came for, no excuses, or do something to earn the right to empty my wallet into your cash register.

  So, Schoonover, keep on not pissing me off, and I'll buy that HDTV I been eyeballin' from you, as well as all the other stuff I used to buy at Best Buy.

And Brad, I hope that token credit the Thickest Manager in the World wouldn't come off of keeps you up at night.

Yours Truly,

D. E. Bishop

Citizen

*Real name changed to protect this idiot from getting the firing she so richly deserves.