Originally published 08AUGUST08

The ADHD Edition:  Subjects include Why John McCain Wears Dresses in Private, Investing in Botox Alternatives, Crappy Sports Things and...something...something...

  So I'm out at one of the local festivals, and it is packed, ass-to-nose with people.  So I'm cramming ribs down my gullet and listening to the worst Jazz band I've ever heard, when I look over me shoulder and spies this big assed mobile home with 'free adult screening' plastered on it.

There were exactly no takers anytime I looked over there, which was often.  Now people, I am the poster-child for ADHD, and I can tell you, people with ADHD have the shortest attention spans of all humans.  A 2 year old with a hot foot seems like a study in deep contemplation next to me.  Who has time to take a test?  Not a guy with ADHD. 

You'd be more effective with giant butterfly nets and shiny objects, trust me.

So, this week I thought I'd cover a veritable plethora of subjects in the spirit of keeping us all interested.  Batter up...

John McCain Wears Dresses Around the House.

  Seeing as how John McCain has officially shifted into 'wacky' gear, I thought I'd point out that McCain likes wearing dresses.  He also wants to annex Mexico as the 51st State and build a monument to midgets in the White House Rose Garden.

  See, I didn't want to be the only one not just wildly making shit up about my opponent.  Although McCain is not technically 'my' opponent, he kinda is.  So let's look at just a couple of the well known stupid-assed things that McCain has approved the message thereof...

THING #1

It's Obama's fault that gas costs four bucks?  The guy who's been voting status quo IN WASHINGTON, AS A LAW MAKING GUY, for 26 years is pointing the finger at the guy who just notched his fourth year in there?  This sounds so much like the old "The asshole who couldn't be bothered to show up for National Guard Duty calling the Veteran who served two tours in Vietnam a pussy" bit that I immediately pissed myself.  This is because many of you bastards fell for it the first time, so I'm saying directly to you so you can't say noone said it directly to you, so pay attention:  It is not Obama's fault. 

So.

THING #2

This gem from a McCain ad-'More foreign oil, that's the real Obama'.  What?!  Oh, a rookie Senator from Chicago wants to give money to his many foreign pals who bailed out his failing Chicago oil business. 

Not this guy:    

Or, by association, these guys:

No, it was that black guy from Chicago.  Thanks for setting me straight.  Jesus, at least accuse the guy of Mob connections, that's a little more likely.  Jeez oh man.

THING #3

McCain's stupid comparison of Obama to Britney and Paris.  Again, I'm saying directly to you:  Obama is no celebrity.  Everybody knows you're not a celebrity until you go to rehab. 

Which by the way, I'd suggest to either candidate, since we are now somehow a nation that worships people who vomit on themselves and have open sores on their faces.  What the?

John McCain, the 'Maverick'.  Uh...I must have missed the class at maverick school where they taught you to marry the richest broad you can find, imply, or say outright, outrageous, baseless, and patently stupid things about your opponants, and hug the jerk who says 'nucular', if that will get you ahead.

How in the Hell Did Humans Ever Get Past The Dark Ages?

If you haven't seen this ad, you don't do very much on the internets.  I gotta get some stock in this company man, and you should too....

It's not that you believe it, it's that somebody does.  Oh Somebody, where would my smug sense of superiority be without you?

This Must Be What Sports Hell is Like

If you don't follow the Cleveland Indians(and you don't), you are missing some spectacularly bad baseball.  Even Cliff Lee, who emerged from several years of Chuck Nagy-like mediocrity to pitch this season like the reincarnation of Some Damned Good Pitcher Who's Dead and Could Conceivably be Reincarnated, can't escape the heinous curse that is Indians baseball.  The other night, he left the game in the sixth inning with an 8-3 lead.  But then... E!(for error), 8-4...E!, 8-6...E!  E!  Yes folks, FOUR errors.  And a 14-12 loss in 13 innings for good measure.   Sweet.

One week later, on a typically sticky and stinky Wednesday in Florida, the state shared those qualities with the Indians, who took a 7-4 lead into the bottom of the ninth and strutted off the painted-green-concrete of Tropican'ta Field with a 10-7 loss.  Touch 'em all time, indeed.

Now let's be clear.  A few weeks ago, I saw Jeremy Sowers, a guy who wears the biggest cup in all of baseball, pitch twice in a week for two different teams.  Once for the Cleveland Indians in Cincinnati, and once in Columbus for the (Soon to be Columbus) Buffalo, Bisons:

This is because I am a huge fan of this shitty, shitty, team.  And I saw the Sowers family at the Great American Ballpark watching their kid pitch for a major league team.  And I still believe this kid can be a legend in Cleveland.  I'm just not in charge of how it comes about.

I have some connections in baseball, and the other day I got a sneak peak at the 2008 season DVD for the Indians.  I took a picture of it on the sly, and I reveal it to you for the first time:

In an effort to see how good baseball teams are doing, I turn on ESPN.

Three straight hours of coverage of the National Favre League later, I want to slit my wrists.

For the record: On Sunday, September 21st, at 1:05p.m. local time, the Seattle Seahawks are going to deliver some punishing comeuppance to mister Favre in the form of the worst game of his season.  Guaranteed.  Just a note for you fantasy football weirdos.

Do you remember when ESPN didn't relentlessly beat the crap out of a story?  Me neither.

Thank God the Olympics are here, so I can not watch them.

Sports is stupid.