AUGUST 20, 2018

Apple Buys Shroud of Turin from Reeling Church: Jobs Declares, "Authentic!"

Jobs: "Ahh-Hah-Ha-Haaaah!"

Apple's stock quadrupled in value today as Steve Jobs exclaimed, "We now have indisputable proof that the Shroud of Turin is authentic."
Jobs secretly bought the Shroud from the Vatican, which is desperate for cash after years of paying off lawyers to make sure no priest ever pays for his sins, in this life at least.
"We can'ta even afforda our usual 50 year olda wine.  We hava to drinka da crappy 25 year old!" said Cardinal Juan Oldaguey.
Jobs proceeded to hire a crack science team, headed by Fay Keckspert. Keckspert cut her teeth proving smoking doesn't cause anything bad in the 90's, followed by a stint as one of George W. Bush's leading scientists.  She disproved any harmful effects from pollution, giving birth to the pollution production industry, and has since been credited with moving the end of the Earth up from an estimated 70 million years to sometime next month.
"Using the latest in Obfuscation Technology, we have dated the Shroud of Turin to precisely January 1st, 0001 A.D.," said Keckspert. 
Jobs went on to say, "We have developed technology to clone the Shroud's material.  And a year and a half from now, after making and breaking several promises, we will release a disappointing and over-priced product."



MAY 29, 2018

Name Hyphenation Ruled Illegal

"It was stupid anyway," says everyone

The World Court ruled today that hyphenating your last name is stupidly
egocentric and banned the practice worldwide, to the relief of everyone.
  "This is a blatant attempt to homogenize me, to steal my identity," wailed Gwendolyn Tyson-Smith-Smythe-Schwartz-Hunter-Benjamin-Rodriguez-Hasagawa-Smith.

  "I am a Tyson as much as a Schwartz!  A Smith as much as a Smith!  It's because I'm a woman!  You can't legislate my
identities!  I'll kill you all!" she shrieked when the ruling was read.

Her case started when she ran afoul of a red-light camera.  733
people with at least one last name in common with hers got tickets in
the mail.  Curiously, 695 were 'Rodriguez'.

  A pattern of abuse became evident in the hearings that followed.
"I spent a fortune in extra business cards, stationary, and, jesus, the desk nameplate alone was a month's profit!" lamented her boss, Snively A. Varris. "It took her twenty minutes to answer the phone!"

"She came to ze restaurant where i am ze maitre d'," testified Jacques Oeuf, a damn Frenchman, "By ze time we called her nom, ze customeres behind her ran away like I, as a proud Frenchman, would run away...like ze cowardly wind!"

  Tyson-Smith-Smythe-Schwartz-Hunter-Benjamin-Rodriguez-Hasagawa-Smith was
originally convicted of Malicious Overpossession of Names, and sentenced
to 40 years in a Russian gulag.  The offense was reduced to Being
Extremely Annoying and she was put in the stocks in the public square
for 3 weeks, where citizens were invited to whip her with whips.

  The Postal workers and DMV employees were particularly brutal. The PA
Announcer's Union sent a delegation from around the state.  She was
then committed to the care of a loony bin in upstate New York, where she
remains heavily sedated.  She goes by Joe Jones now.

MAY  08, 2018:

Award Show to Honor Award Shows Receives Award for Best Award Show 

The Awards Honors Awards has won it's own award for Best Award Show. 
"It's really gratifying to get this award from ourselves," gushed Sue Zeakew, the AHA Chairgal, "It was a tough choice, there were so many worthy shows.  The 'Big Trophy Honors' and the  'America's Commercials and the Patriots Who Make Them Salutaganza' were top-notch, as was the 'T.V. Giving of Statues Tribute'."
Salutaganza won for Best Playing Them Off Moment for the unforgettable playing off of Barbra Streisand, who screamed, "Don't tase me, Nose!" before being tased.  The taser received a standing ovation and toured Europe before returning to it's owner's hip holster.  Streisand, who came out of cryogenic freeze to pick up the award for Most Ballsy Ticket Prices, went on a 13 victim killing spree shortly after the show, and was of course pardoned under the Rich Ass Bastards Vs. Justice precedent.  She went back into cryogenic freeze  in a nice Donna Karan pantsuit.


O.J. Simpson Executed on General Principals

The Juice was given the juice just after midnight after a federal judge ruled he was a Damned Stupid Fuck.
"I cannot in good conscience allow this Damned Stupid Fuck to escape the forceful finger of justice," Judge Dame Judi Dench thundered in court last week.
Orinthal James Simpson's last words were, "But I was just getting ready to search for the real killers, after I play nine at Pebble Beach.  You sorry fu...".
  The switch could not have been thrown soon enough.  His body was then chopped into hamburger  and fed to rabid dogs, who were then put into a rocket and shot into the sun, which will now be destroyed by a constant bombardment from Earth which will last ten years, bankrupt every nation and wipe out all the planet's resources.  "We are now doomed to extinction as a people," said Professor John Frink, "but with the annihilation of Simpson's DNA forever in the Universe, we are going out to the good."