22JUNE08-14 THINGS TO STOP FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT:
1. Where your damned anti-bacterial gunk is. 2.Whether or not 'Sex and the City' will ever come back to T.V. 3.Gays getting married. 4.Tornados in Ohio. 5.Shark attacks anywhere in the U.S., including Hawaii. Get in the damned water, sissy! Unless your name is Quint. 6.What your water bottle is made of, unless you plan on eating it. In that case, I recommend it be made of Fruity Pebbles. 7.Who won the Grammy, Emmy, Latin Grammy, People's Choice, AMA's, Lamies, etc. Don't let a bunch of grab-assing celebrities decide what you watch. 8.Illegal aliens taking your job. If they do, your job sucks and you should just get your high school diploma already. 9.What (insert celebrity name here) named their kid. Don't let a bunch of grab-assing celebrities decide what you name your kid. 10.Tomatoes with Salmonella. Seriously, no deaths and counting. Even if there were bad tomatoes, they're all rotted or eated by now. Eat a tomato, jerk. 11.Pocket knives on planes. Only a planeful of pussy assed pussies would let themselves get hijacked now, don't you think? A few rednecks or cowboys with knives could only help. 12.Google steet view being a source of intel for stupid Jihadists who want to blow up a ranch house in Reseda. 13.Athletes on steroids. The ones who are are invariably assholes who will get what's coming to them. The sole exception to this is Arnold Swarze...Swartsa....Shwartze...Arnold. He's a damned genius and a serious badass and you better never underestimate. 14.Whether or not your neighbor is stealing bandwidth from you. He is.
03JUNE08-7 THINGS GENERAL MOTORS OUGHTA STOP DOING:
1. Making shitty cars out of Chinese milk cartons, Costa Rican rubberbands and American Spit. 2. Paying some dude $45 bucks an hour to push a button 275 times a shift at the factory. If an immigrant can learn your job in a day, take a pay cut or take a hike. Of course GM will have to stop... 3. Letting crooked ass unions run things. Simply hire Sir Sean Connery and Chuck Norris, give them 30's style clothes, baseball bats, and immunity from prosecution, and run those dirty bastards out of town. 4. Catering to douchébags. There are far more customers who want a car that gets good mileage and doesn't look like a lego mobile than there are insecure dolts who want to hide their small hummer with a big Hummer. 5. Fucking their customers by making them buy $75 dollar 'assemblies' of 10+ parts to get the 10¢ o-ring they need. 6. Saying, "We can't" or "Making a more fuel efficient car will hurt our bottom line". It just makes you sound like pussies. You should have been figuring out how to get 50 m.p.g. forty years ago (1970's oil embargo? Anyone? Beuller? Beuller?). And when you get 50, you better wake up the next day saying, "How can I get Sixty. What the Hell happened to American Ingenuity? 7. Coming up with ways to make people think you care about better cars (like when you said you'd have the VOLT, a super-concept no gas car, on the market in two years, even though you have no fucking idea how to make it, the technology doesn't currently exist, and you'll undoubtedly kill it when no one's looking) and make a better car. Nobody wants a crappy Cavalier. They want a VOLT. Build it.
NOTE: I hereby dare GM to mass produce the Volt anytime in 2010 or before. If they do, I'll give them $100 bucks. Promise.
08MAY08-11 THINGS EVERY MAN SHOULD HAVE ON HIS PERSON WHEN WALKING AROUND IN THE WORLD:1. Penknife. 2. Handkerchief 3. Lighter 4. The phone number of the person you are going to call when you get thrown in the clink 5. Camera 6. Cash 7. Writing Implement 8. Calling Card 9. Breath Freshener 10. Karma 11. A Good Explanation