20AUGUST08

  This week:
I can has cheezburger


20 August 2018
Apple Buys Shroud of Turin From Reeling Church:Jobs Declares, 'Authentic!'
Steve Jobs quoted as saying, "Ahh-Hah-Ha-Haaaah!"

Apple's stock quadrupled in value today as Steve Jobs exclaimed, "We now have indisputable proof that the Shroud of Turin is authentic."
Jobs secretly bought the Shroud from the Vatican, which is desperate for cash after years of paying off lawyers to make sure no priest ever pays for his sins, in this life at least.
"We can'ta even afforda our usual 50 year olda wine.  We hava to drinka da crappy 25 year old!" said Cardinal Juan Oldaguey.
Jobs proceeded to hire a crack science team, headed by Fay Keckspert. Keckspert cut her teeth proving smoking doesn't cause anything bad in the 90's, followed by a stint as one of George W. Bush's leading scientists.  She disproved any harmful effects from pollution, giving birth to the pollution production industry, and has since been credited with moving the end of the Earth up from an estimated 70 million years to sometime next month.
"Using the latest in Obfuscation Technology, we have dated the Shroud of Turin to precisely January 1st, 0001 A.D.," said Keckspert. 
Jobs went on to say, "We have developed technology to clone the Shroud's material.  And a year and a half from now, after making and breaking several promises, we will release a disappointing and over-priced product."  



 

 (Look it up)



Rowdy Gaines Says Everything About Swimming is the Greatest Ever:

After watching men's gymnastics and especially men's synchronized diving, I had an irresistible urge to wear a dress, which I did.
Then, in one night (August 13th, 2008), I saw the greatest ever swimming ever, as far as Rowdy Gaines is concerned.  He used the term "greatest ever" to describe all of the following:
-Swimmer: Michael Phelps
-Girl Swimmer: Natalie Coughlin
-Breast Stroker: Kosuke Kitajima (Japan)
-Back Stroker: Aaron Peirsol
-Turnaround Time: Ryan Lochte
-Comeback: U.S. 4x100m Medley
-Bonus: 2nd Greatest Swimmer: Lochte (In your face, Mark Spitz!)

When somebody Youtube's this, please dear Jebus let me know.
Also, having seen the greatest night ever of swimming ever, praise Jebus I never have to watch it again.  One more thing off my "Watch this on T.V. before you die" bucket list.

On Sunday the 17th, they showed all the sports you never get to see. Here's a primer on all you need to know about them:

WOMEN'S BASKETBALL:  I was so bored watching this, I fell into a coma and only a double espresso injected directly into my cerebellum saved my life.  Lame.
EQUESTRIAN JUMPING:  This had 'yawn' written all over it, but what other sport features a 61-year-old athlete (Ian Miller, 9 time Olympian from Canada), boys and girls competing directly against each other, and winners who don't go apeshit and show their shirts and asses to the camera ?  Bravo, old chaps.
FENCING:  Two dudes tap each other with swords, then flex and pose.  This happens every 10 to 15 seconds.  Super Lame.
CYCLING(TRACK): Lame and stupid.  Next.
ROWING: Arguably the finest athletes in the Lames, it's still pretty boring.



WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT FOX?


Here's the page:
FOXES ON FOX


 
This link will take you to my ancient ass website that preceded this'un

   Distant Observations


"It is not possible to draw a link between greenhouse gas emissions and distant observations of impacts on species." -Interior Secretary and blind idiot Dirk Kempthorne
 

November (and, really, January), is still months away, and the President you voted for is busy as Hell destroying as much of the country as he can before some jerk gets in there and decides to look out for people, places, and things that aren't fucking rich.  On, August 11th, The Decider decided that  we don't need trees, water, air, or animals of any kind as much as we need a Walgreens across from a CVS across from a Rite-Aid across from a Long's Dru...no, it's a CVS. 
For nearly 8 years, a constant and relentless effort has been made by The Bush to get Congress to pass a few laws: Laws ordering all trees in America to be cut down to facilitate the War On Terror; Laws requiring Polar Bears to be removed from the "Still Alive" List, to thwart a raging e. coli epidemic that was probably going to happen; Laws prohibiting American citizens from mowing too close to the oil rig in their front yard; and of course laws prohibiting vacuuming too close to the oil rig in your living room.
Thankfully, Congress is full of dirty bastards who want to have a planet upon which to spend their ill-got bribes and payoffs.  Without hookers and crack cocaine, money just doesn't feel as ill-got as they'd like.  So even though Congress has done some totally brainless things, like (verbally) approving Dirk Kempthorne (an asshole who scored a whopping zero point zero from the League of Conservation Voters in five of his six years in the Senate) as the Secretary of the Interior.  Interior, since you don't know, means everything natural in America.  Which we probably should Conserve.  Dirk Kempthorne.  Zero            Point            Zero.  Secretary of the Interior.
Yes, Congress is stupid, but they haven't quite been able to provide the Total Annihilation of the Earth that The Bush was hoping for.
-All that is about to change-
Having been rebuffed through all legal means (as current U.S. law prohibits the destruction of all life as we know it), The Bush has now decided to say, "Fuck it, I'm goin' all Executive on that ass!"
Consequently, he's drawn up a little 'regulation'.  He wakes up and says to himself, "Hey, ya know, regalations are not part of Congress' bailiwick."  OK, he didn't really say 'bailiwick', he said 'thingy'.
In English, this regulation says the guy who wants the job done (build a Walgreens) should be the guy who decides if killing all the animals in a forty-square-mile area is really that damaging to the environment (No, it's not necessary to kill the animals, Walgreens just likes to.).
Sounds on the level to me.  I'm sure that guy will carefully weigh all the factors of environmental interaction while laying on the thousands of greenbacks that Wallgreens has given him.
Someone was quoted as saying, "No fucking terrorist Polar Bear is going to stand in the way of America's determination to track down and destroy all terrorists and their supporters.  Manatees either.  They clog up our oil rigs, preventing our fight for worldwide freedom and capit...Democracy.  We must stop relying on scarce foreign oil and start relying on scarce domestic oil.  Oil is the future, if we don't drill, the terrorists will.  End communication."

Usain Bolt is My Hero This Week

If you live under a rock that is at the bottom of an avalanche under all the other rocks, You may not know that Usain Bolt, a 19-year-old kid from Jamaica, won the 100m and 200m gold at the Olympics.  If you didn't see it, you missed a live definition of total dominance.  Pundits and other sundry jerks can grouse all they want about how this kid walked the last 20 meters of both races and celebrated his victory.  It just galls these bastards that a black kid would dare to be stupendous and know it.  Nobody owns you when you're stupendous.
 
Meanwhile, Bob Newmeyer did several of the stupidest interviews in history after the race.
The race was over about twenty seconds when he ran up to Wallace Spearmon, who was disqualified from the race approximately three-tenths of a second earlier.  His first question?
-"When did you find out you were disqualified?"
Bob Newmeyer, Journalist.

For more Dullympics, see the Desultory sidebar...


Do you remember when Bazooka Joe was funny?
                     Me neither.


     
CURRENTIA  EVENTSKIA

            



Record Company Douchébags Have No One to Blame but Own Damn Selves

Record company dumbasses are charging independent internet radio sites like Pandora money to play music.  Let me see if I get this...If nobody plays your damn music, you're going to rake in the big sales by....Hmmm.  It's the old South Park Underpants Gnomes Plan:

     PHASE I: Charge people to play their music
     PHASE II: No One Plays Music
     PHASE III:  ?
     PHASE IV: Profit!

Read all about it here, for starters:  http://news.cnet.com/8301-17939_109-10018931-2.html?hhTest=1



The Ugliest Building Mankind Has Ever Actually Built

 72 people have been rushed to area medical centers recently due to a deadly new thing:  Buildings so ugly you'd rather put your face in the droppings that cop's horse just left on the sidewalk in front of you.  Be fairly warned before scrolling down:  Here Be Dragons...

Behold, the first nominee for the 1st Annual Damned Gentlemen Most Butt-Ugly Thing in Existence Award.  Which I will decide on the details of later.  Did I say 'Behold!' yet?


      

  This is Columbus, Ohio's very own NBC4 on the Square.  These guys really burned the midnight oil figuring out how to make something so shitty and revolting that you have it's image burned into your retinas and see it forever in a weird bass relief.  Let's tally up the carnage, shall we?
STATISTICS:
Advertisements: At least 20 (There are actually 7 on the top), counting the Attack of the Giant Coffees as one.
Useful information: One Thing- The 'Broad and High' sign.  That's the name of the streets that are permanently defaced by this fucking monstrosity's presence. Two areas of useful information if you consider 'Fight Leads To 2X Homicide' and 'Vehicle Strikes, Kills Cyclist' as useful information.  Which you don't, so, One Thing.
Additional Wacky Thing Not Evident In The Picture: The "what the hell time is it?" clock on top.  Here's a better shot of it:
OK, so now you've seen it.  Think you can do better?  Fuck no, you can't do better than this appalling, awful, bad, base, beastly, despicable, disagreeable, disfigured, disgusting, dowdy, foul, frightful, grave, gross, grotesque, gruesome, hideous, homely, horrible, loathsome, misshapen, mutilated, nasty, offensive, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, terrible, troublesome, unappealing, unattractive, unbeauteous, uncomely, unesthetic, unpleasant, unsightly, vile, wretched thing.
  But if you think you can, e-mail me your best shot.  No bigger than 600 pxl square, ya dig?  It's up there on the 'TESTIFY' link.
  And no shots of the Omni in Atlanta.  Yes, it was butt ugly, but they tore that affront to mankind down, so...