Grand Old Old Party

This page was originally published September 4, 2008
Republicans Throw a Party, Rubes and Pregnant Teens Impressed

The Republican Party has predictably decided to pursue the strategy of accusing Obama of being George Bush and making John McCain out to be an agent of change. It's Opposite Day every day in Saint Paul, Minnesomewhere.
Day One of the Republican Cornvention:
After the obligatory Seven Thousand, Two Hundred and Forty Two references to McCain's POW-ness, Joe Lieberman, a pouty jerk-off who didn't get his way awhile back from his fellow Democrats and so decided to be a complete jackass instead, rolled off some of the following:
-He asserted that Obama is against our troops, and McCain had the balls to 'stand up to' Obama to get our troops properly funded. This despite the fact that even a casual search of reputable veteran's sites reveals McCain's super-consistent fucking of veterans and active duty soldiers' benefits. You see, what Lieberman meant by 'funding' the troops was, buying more bombs to blow shit up, give money to weapons builders, private security corporations, and Haliburton, and continue prosecuting a stupid, stupid war.
-He explained how John McCain has fought for 'green' laws and alternative power. I still haven't been able to find what they're talking about. Unless they mean those times he stood up to jerks who think Saudi Arabia doesn't have enough of our green money or leaders in their pocket.
-He pointed out that one of the grand poohbahs of the Washington crowd is going to give the Washington crowd a good working over. By working over, he (Lieberman) apparently meant something, but since he (McCain) already supports every stupid thing they (Washington crowd) do and is their king, I'm not sure how that would work. Perhaps he plans to flip flop on every fucked up thing he currently (Right now) has planned. That would (Wood) show me.
But enough about Joe Lieberman, let's talk about the Invisible President.
The Decider decided not to show up at the Convention, ostensibly because he was maintaining a catlike readiness to respond to Hurricane Gustav, which disappointingly did not kick New Orleans' ass as it so richly deserves. Come on Hanna or Ike!
As we learned on 9/11 (See this), it is dangerous to have a crisis occur when Dubya is not actually sitting in the Oval Office with forty-two advisors at his elbow, so it's hard to fault him.
It is however, abundantly clear that the Decider is a major downer to the guy who voted with Bush over 90% of the time but wants to appear as the 'maverick' who is bringing change.
Yes, I am also confused. Don't fight it.
This is the guy who brought a PTA president (Referenced by at least one prominent Republican as evidence of her 'experience') from the one state that would drill itself into oblivion if given the opportunity. Yes, Alaska, that state you really don't give a shit about and I don't either.
I'm not going to re-detail all the things that make Sarah Palin a firmly, uniquely stupid pick. It hardly matters, people will make of it what they will. The lines were drawn a long time ago, and so Laura Bush will say with an almost straight face that Palin brings the executive experience of being a mayor of some joke of a town I don't even feel like taking ten seconds to look up to the table. Whatever. Trailer park denizens finally have a candidate to call their own.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but you, madam, are no Hillary.
You only need to know one thing about Palin: She named her son Truck.
                     Aaahhhh-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaah!
Now, you rubes out there, and there are a fucking lot of you, will undoubtedly fall for all the pandering, lies, propaganda, and John McCain's being a white guy. I respect your point of view*.
Having said that, I'll say this: If you're gay or black, you had better get your ass out and vote, every last mother fucking one of you, or shut the fuck up forever. Now is your damn chance to truly change history with your one stupid vote, so do it.
John McCain was a POW, did you know that?

Now on to Day Two of the Republican Yawn Marathon...uh, Convention.

Thirty minutes into her speech, Palin has orally gratified the following:
-John S(eptuagenarian) McCain,
-The Military forces that will be voting Obama**,
-Retards,
-Regular Joes,
-Old Fucks,
-Haberdashers,
-Small towns,
-Hockey moms(all 52 of them in the world),
-John McCain,
-This Great Country,
-Good old boys, Oil companies, Alaskan assholes***
-Suckers who chant 'U.S.A! U.S.A.!' at the slightest provocation,
-The losers who don't have a job thanks to her party,
-John McCain(I am not repeating for comic effect; it happened)
-Did you know John McCain was a POW?
-John McCain's Hanoi cell
-War memorials
-John McCain

She also referred to herself as a 'Chief Executive' (you WILL be sick of the term 'executive experience' before this is over), and took credit for giving Alaskans the money they've been getting for over half a century before her and her awe shucks family showed up to drill the whole fucking state.
A side note to stupid ass Alaskans: If she wins (and if anyone wins this election, it will be Sarah Palin, a vice-presidential candidate. People are stupid like that), keep in mind that she offered up your sorry ass to the American Oil-Consuming Beast. Enjoy your wasteland, assholes.
She also poo-poohed the 'Do Nothing Congress', exactly as I predicted almost two years ago. Hard to do shit when the President vetoes everything.
And when it was all over, damned if I still didn't know shit about her. Probably because bullshit, snowmobiles, and putting 'PTA president' on your fucking resumé for vice-leader-of-a-nation don't go far outside the trailer park.
Did you know John McCain was a POW?
In short, she lied through her motherfucking teeth for an hour, but damn did she make it sound good.

"I fought to bring about the largest private-sector infrastructure project in North American history. And when that deal was struck, we began a nearly $40 billion natural gas pipeline to help lead America to energy independence. That pipeline, when the last section is laid and its valves are opened, will lead America one step farther away from dependence on dangerous foreign powers that do not have our interests at heart." -Sarah Palin.
In the best tradition of the American ethic, I cannot in good conscience let bullshit like that fly. This lipstick pit bull has balls the size of cantaloupe to try to float this turd, but since you are a dumbass, I'll spell it out so she doesn't get away with her outrageous pandering and all the crap she wants you to let her off the hook for. "Oh poor helpless me, I'm just your average hockey mom with an apple pie life that is just like yours cause I'm so ordinary. I'll stand up to that fat cat city boy Obama, and support the new guy in town, who was such a wonderful POW for this country full of average folks like me."
Jebus Cripes, this broad's got gall.
Back to my shredification of her mind-boggling lies.

CODE KEY:
"Private sector infrastructure project"= Oil rigs, Oil derricks, Oil trucks, Oil drillin'! Whoopie!
"$40 billion dollar natural gas pipeline"=Paid for by your tax money for the private sector to use and profit from.
"Dangerous foreign powers"=

Instead of swelling with pride over this lying liar, you oughta be pissed and offended that she, by which I mean the old white guys that wrote her lying speech, thinks you are that stupid.
Come November, try not to prove them right.

For the record, for those of you who think I'm a sissy boy liberal:
-Every American has a responsibility to own a gun and know how to use it-
-We should definitely bomb somebody. It just oughta be Saudi Arabia-
-Super Bowl Sunday would be in the middle of a four day weekend if I were running the asylum-
-Get your fucking hands off my money-

On to Day 3, the nearly clinical dead...the re-re-republican National POW Convention:
-Shooting old, old fish in a barrel-
Here is my realtime reaction to My Guy Johnny's big acceptance speech, with tiny Simpsons ripped straight from the Googles:
12 minutes in, the platitudes are stacked up knee high and knocking over rubes in the front row. Look out West Virg-in-ya!
Profuse thankafication to Sarah Palin for giving a temporary jolt to this massive coronary of a campaign.
Total 'Country First'ses, so far: 7
Thing You Didn't See: The guy with the 'McCain Votes Against Vets' sign; It flashed by for less than two or three seconds, with no mention or acknowledgement. Crazy Liberal Media.
Shot of Cindy, who has decided to try to let her hair down, literally. Looks spookier and more evil than before.
McCain mentions that his dad was abroad beating off the Spanish Armada or some such.

A video projection of a flag wafting on a pole is in the background. You couldn't just put a flag tastefully on the stage?
"Change is coming!" says John. Indeed it is, my friend.
"I won't let you down!" I know you won't, John.
He says, "They called me Maverick. Sometimes it was a compliment, sometimes it was not."
Because you often hear, "Damn that Maverick McCain!"
Right on time, sloppily painted (by McCain campaign personnel) 'Maverick' sign.
He says he stood up to, among others, 'Union bosses'. Aside from the part where what he means is, union bosses who want to save Wal-Mart slaves from their shitty lives, this is a mistake. Many of your base are dumbass union suckers who think your going to save their overpaid factory jobs.

"I fought for more troops in Iraq when it wasn't the popular thing to do."
It still isn't, John.
(Side note: I fucking dare you to look up John S. McCain's record on veterans votes. Since he wants to make sure you know he was one, don't you think that's fair? Double dare you.)
Rubes in the crowd exploited for their down home stories of sacrifice for this country: 6, from three states, so far.
He promises to make sure America "remains safe from our enemies."
So far the plan seems to be to create more of them as fast as possible.
AND THERE IT IS...The "He Fucking Said What?!?!" moment: He blamed Obama for the welfare giveaways to Big Oil.   WWWWWHHHHHAAAAATTTTT?!?

He says he will "open new markets." Indeed, as in, 'for your job'.
Feeling unclean, seriously debate quitting....can't....take...much....
whew, second wind.
He espouses his stance on education.
I suggest you ask any teacher you know what they think of the 'no child left behind' act. I promise they have a dirtier name for it. Then ask them who they're voting for.
"I will empower parents with a choice," to move their kids to a whites only school.
He seems to be asserting that he will somehow be the total and complete opposite of what he has been for his whole political career.
Man, this dude cornfuses me.
"We will drill now!" Right on cue, a sloppily painted 'Enviros for McCain' sign is held up by a secret service looking guy with about as much 'enviro' in him as a factory that manufactures soot.
Two, no three blacks have been spotted, each one looking ashamed of their very poor choices to be used as a token 'blacks are with us' camera prop.
"We have dealt a serious blow to Al Queada."
By helping them spread to where they weren't and not attacking them where they were.
And are.
Then a nod to the internets.
Video flag is still there...body failing...throat clenching...longest...hour...ever.
Oh, dear Jebus, NOoooooo! He's gonna tell his 'I was a POW' story.
Right on time, a (campaign member's meticulously) hand-painted sign goes up-
"Vietnamese Thanks McCain'
Seriously? Awkward English on purpose? Why would anyone do that?
Why don't you ask the current Prez, who still says 'nukular' nearly eight fucking years after taking over the keys to our 'nukular arse nail'.
Aaaaaand, it's over! Thank the Jebus! I have made it through...and i have the scars to prove it.
Shortly after, Bob Schieffer, of the Liberal Media, says McCain 'has a good chance to win,' and orally services the Maverick for a few minutes.

I have a minor coma, but am revived by paramedics and given stiff liquor and powerful muscle relaxers. All will be well.

And that is it for (national) politics for at least a few weeks, promise...now I'm off to force myself to vomit and take a very long shower.

OK, one more dig: 24 hours after having used your dumb ass, the GOP has already tossed you aside Joe Lieberman. How does it feel to be the asshole nobody wants to talk to? So long, Joe. Maybe Afghanistan will let you live there.

*By which I mean you are an idiot
**Or not voting for anyone, which I'm sure Bushy Bush will arrange for his buddy the Veteran, who most veterans hate. Mark the words, suckers. I am a damn veteran.

***By which I mean, Alaskans