Week One: Paging The Professor
Usually I go three or four games before I remember that I had my chances to
root for different, better teams when I was a kid. I could've been a
Broncos fan, for instance. True, life would pretty well suck right now,
but I'd have two Super Bowl Trophies and six trips to the big Show to keep me
warm through this rough time in the Rockies.
Instead, I chose a team which has consistently let me down, except that
time they were jobbed out of a championship by the worst officiating in the
history of all professional, and amateur, sports. Ever.
Holding on Matt Hasselbeck?!? Enjoy your stolen trophy, Pittsburgh.
But enough spilt milk, let's talk about trainwrecks. You didn't see it,
but it happened, right there on the nothing-at-all-like-grass field of Ralph
Wilson Stadium, Home of the previously Worst Team in the NFL Buffalo Bills.
For one week at least, the Seahawks must shoulder that honor and carry it's
bitter taste in their mouths after coughing up 34 points to a team that would
lose to the East Carolina Pirates two out of three times. Brilliant.
The facts of a game are always a little fast and loose with me, but I
believe it went something like this: 6 offensive series, 2 first downs,
about twenty three yards, one good play, no nada zippo zero points.
After some fumbles, dropped balls, extremely uninspired running, sacks,
more dropped balls, and play-calling straight from the Big Coach's Picture Book
of Plays Sure to Fail, there was finally a lovely reception by the excellent
Nate Burleson. Touchdown.
Too bad he's out for the season now. Did I mention he is our third
receiver injured this year?
Be that as it may, it's also too bad that his TD was way too little.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, a hand-off on a 2nd-and-27 is
a terrible idea, particularly when it results in a 4 yard loss.
Now let me get this right out of the way, Buffalo. You suck.
Bad. You'll be lucky to go 6 and 10, even with Miami on your schedule
twice. Better you take this for what it is, kicking a dog when it's down.
Don't be running to Vegas to drop your hard earned scratch on a Super Bowl run.
6-10.
But I digress.
Midway through the third quarter, some dude with a Bills shirt walks into
the bar. Way to be there.
I don't make much small talk, because I'm busy filling out free-agent
eligibility paperwork so I can make it out to Seattle in time for next week's
game. I'm no expert, but even if the flight out crash lands, and I lose an
arm, part of a leg, and the bulk of my brain, and the paramedics are forced to
shoot me up with every ampoule of morphine they got before they drop me off at
Qwest Field, I can still catch more balls than the paycheck-stealing thieves who
call themselves receivers for Seattle. Pathetic.
Also, I was under the impression that offensive linemen were supposed to
block things and stuff. All I saw was some light newspaper reading and an
occasional 'How do you do?' to whichever Bill was going through to sack Matt
Hasselbeck or stuff the run.
Special teams...nothing to say here except, what the fuck?
Thank the Jebus for the defense, or it would've been 67-10 instead of 34.
34 points to one of the worst teams in NFL history, certainly an All-Decade
Worst Top Ten.
Your average Seahawks fan is extremely nervous.
Not me, because the 49'ers are comin' to town. It's Christmas in
September.
And take heart, 'Hawks fans, they started their Super Bowl Year 0-1.
Time to crawl back to .500, one plane crash victim at a time.
Week One Report Card:
-Offense: F+
-Defense: C
-Special Teams: F-
-Overall: F
Word of Advice for Mike Holmgren: Seneca Wallace is a terrible quarterback
anyway. In Week Two, he finally takes his rightful place as an NFL
receiver.
This week's SPIRIT AWARD* goes to:
The 11 Seahawks
who were on the field when the Bills buffaloed you for a fake field goal
touchdown. I'm embarrassed for both of us.
*Named for the award Eric Cartman won for being the worst athlete at the Special
Olympics
