Week Three: Jebus Help Us
You can stop searching for Week Two, there ain't one. I have been moving
and in the process lost my notes from that heinous game. No notes,
combined with copious alcohol = no Week Two. Sorry. Let's just sum
it up by saying, "It sucked".
Moving on, Week Three reared it's dreaded head on a sunny Sunday
afternoon. My team is 0-2 and I am wondering when Spring Training will
start for baseball. Being eliminated from the playoffs in week 3 is
something I hadn't contemplated. Before the season started, I had the now
-ridiculous opinion that the Seahawks would go 11-5, 10-6 at worst. 9-7
was for those pretenders who we would later knock off in the playoffs.
Humility, thy name is 0-2.
Having been properly chastised by the Football Gods (pretty much the same
as the Baseball Gods but with more ass-touching), I stepped into the afternoon
relaxed and happy. Either the Hawks would rebound to 1-2, keeping a
fingernail grip on the season, or they would drop to 3-0, and I could kill this
lame idea of a webpage and start oiling my glove and hitting the batting cages.
A loss to St. Louis would be worse than getting a wedgie from Urkle, and then
having him beat you're ass when you tried to get away. Seattle hasn't lost
to this joke of a team for years, and I was not interested in seeing them start
now.
The Seahawks, finally, didn't disappoint. Good old Rams.
Great to see you again. POW!
1-2, and upgraded from "somebody find the will and deliver the last
rites" to "somebody get me another beer and a fried pickle, stat!". While
it wasn't a beautiful display of football dominance, it sure was nice to see.
St. Louis fans at the bar: None.
First Seahawks offensive possession: Three and out.
The game started with the usual; Seahawks go no yards on three plays and
punt. But since this is the Lambs, they Hawks quickly right the ship and
score two touches in the first quarter, a shocking offensive display that was
previously absent. Some highlights:
With 13:30 left in the 2nd quarter, a "Josh Brown is a traitor" sign
comes out in the crowd, as the Benedict Arnold Himself comes out to kick a
pathetic 3 points onto the board.
Seahawks 17, St. Loser 3.
In the 3rd quarter, the Rams snap the ball 42 minutes and three seconds
after the playclock runs out, and bust the best run of the day for them.
Refs busy watching porn on replay camera.
Seahawks 27, Rams 6.
4th quarter, Barstool Greatness occurs: With the Rams driving, I
casually say, "It's time for a turnover right here." Dion Grant fulfills
my call 2 seconds later with a great interception and a nice runback as a bonus.
Yesss! That right there, calling for something unlikely to happen and then
having it happen. That's the stuff...shots all around!
Final: Seahawks 37, Rams 13.
Now, let's keep our perspective here, it is St. Louis we're talking
about. A team people bat around when discussing the old 'Best college
football team vs. worst NFL team'. The road to the Super Bowl is not
primarily paved with the carcasses of crappy, crappy teams.
We'll see where they stand in two weeks, after the crucial face off with
'bye' next week. The Seahawks usually fare poorly against the bye, and
come out of it like they just stopped drinking pure grain alcohol to play
football. But the Giants also have a bye, so it's a wash.
Make no mistake my friends, Seattle/New York is a huge game. You
Betcha!
Week Three Report Card:
-Offense: B+
-Defense: B (only because it's the Rams. You gotta shut these lame-os out
to get an A)
-Special Teams: A-
-Overall: B+
Word of Advice for Mike Holmgren: Blitz Eli Manning. Blitz Eli
Manning. Blitz Blitz Blitz Eli Manning.
This week's SPIRIT AWARD* goes to:
The Saint
Louis Rams, the team other teams bounce back against. Thanks again,
the state of Missouri's taxpayers.
*Named for the award Eric Cartman won for being the worst athlete at the Special
Olympics
